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Quitting Facebook: The Final Status Update

21 Jun, 2018 Spencer Kekauoha Social Media

Social media is well liked and enjoyed by pretty much everyone who has access to electricity and a toilet (Don’t act like you’re too good to scroll through Instagram or watch cat videos while in the sweet privacy of the bathroom). Now that that’s out of the way, I struggled to find a way to talk negatively about social media without sounding all high and mighty. So… I’ve decided to go full nerd and tell you a story about my adventure quitting Facebook as if I was Captain Kirk from Star Trek (Star Wars is better), adding new entries to the Captain’s Log.

Captain’s Log, Stardate 431234.8. The power core to my phone is always at low capacity. I should have a technician diagnose the instability in the core reactor immediately. I worry, though, that I may miss out on Facebook notifications should I surrender my phone for repairs. I suppose I can use my Macbook in the meantime.

Captain’s Log, Stardate 325235.3. After a long 30 minutes of waiting, my phone was requisitioned back to me. The technician’s diagnosis showed that the phone’s core reactor was in nominal condition and was firing on all cylinders. The technician suggested that I check the battery usage logs in “settings.” To my disbelief, Facebook sat at the top of the logs with 40% usage of daily battery allotment. Additional information read: “3.5 hours on screen”!

Captain’s Log, Stardate 534635.5. I am happy to find solace in writing in my logs, and am sad to report that I have an addiction. So I have decided to go full turkey and delete the Facebook app. My fingers tremble as I hold down the app for a few seconds to initiate phase 1 of app deletion. The app icons begin to wiggle as if they are attempting to dodge my finger from pressing the “X”’ in the top left corner. The Facebook app begins to sweat, he knows he is in my crosshairs. Before I pull the trigger, a flashback of all the good times we had together begins to rush to my memory. It takes all the strength I could muster, but finally I initiate phase 2 of app deletion and Facebook is completely wiped from my phone’s memory banks. I breathe a sigh of relief and retire to my quarters for the night.

Captain’s Log, Stardate 654643.9. I woke up in a cold sweat and a state of melancholy. I reached for my phone on the nightstand, unlocked it, and tapped on the spot where Facebook once was. Another app opened instead. Although, it’s gone I am still haunted. Maybe I can download it again. One more status update won’t hurt me…

Captain’s Log, Stardate 971384.3. I snuck into my grandma’s phone when she wasn’t looking. I just need to see if I have any notifications. This will be the last time I check… Drat, the only app she has installed is Solitaire and I don’t know her apple ID password to download it. Maybe it’s for the best.

End Log

Although some parts of this story were fibbed for dramatic effect and to keep you interested, some of it is sadly true. In the end, I was able to quit Facebook, but it also got me to start looking at all social media as a tool rather than a means of entertainment. Instead of trying to grow my number of followers and likes per post, I started to use my social media accounts to search for good recipes, fun places to travel, DIY ideas, contacting long lost friend, or finding inspiration for coding. As a result, I generally spend less time on social media and more time doing things that I actually love.

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